parting.

They always tell you it gets easier, that letting go of a person is good for you and that your life will get much better, they only speak about the nights you'll sleep without crying your heart out, and how stronger you'll become after letting go of the so called knife you're clutching on so dearly, but there's a whole lifetime that lies between the moment you cut those ties and when you're finally set free. In between all the butterflies they say will exist after all the toxicity leaves your life, they forget to mention the pain, the doubt, and the regret that come with letting go of what you knew so well. They forget to tell you that you will want to go back into the endless cycle of abuse, because it's all you've ever known for so long, they forget to train you for the endless nights you will regret leaving behind what you thought will stay in your life forever, you won't be ready to face your everyday life without going back to what you've always turned to, they don't tell you you'll have no place to go to until you're ready to pick up your own heart and accept you need somewhere else to stay, to bloom, and you won't accept it so quickly, or easily, you will keep breaking down, and your heart will ache, begging you to just give up and give it a rest, they skip so many details you would've wanted to know, to prepare yourself for. It's been months since I've cut those ties, darling, and I'm still hurting, I still wish you had changed for me, maybe then I would've still been in your arms, and my heart would be at ease. I still wish you were my home, I still wish it was easier to let go of you, I wish the scars had left my palm as soon as I dropped the knife but I forgot that once it falls to the ground I will have a lot of healing to do, and I wish you were the alcohol that cleaned my wounds rather than the dirt that infected it, but we don't get what we wish for, and that thin line between reality and wishful thoughts I will never erase, and I will never mistake what you are with what I wanted you to be, and even though in my heart you'll remain my lover until I learn how to dissolve those feelings for you, in my mind you'll be tattood as the monster I have defeated, and this victory shall always be what opens my cage bit by bit, until I'm totally free of you.