6 am bird.

I look at my phone, no, stare at the many unopened messages. I scroll through the names. there are at least 3 people in here who I'd love to talk to right now. 3 people I’d love to see in person and throw myself at them in a warm hug. 

I lock my phone. 

“I’m going to the bathroom,” I tell my roommate before leaving my phone on the bed and going outside the room. 

my heart feels heavy and my heartbeats are loud. there’s a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. it’s 6 am. I haven’t slept since yesterday. 

I go outside to the hall and open the window slightly, leaning my head slightly outside. the air immediately hits me. goes up my nostrils and to my brain. 

I suddenly cry. I bawled my eyes out. 

I wonder how did I get here. when did I grow up so much? why is all this responsibility is suddenly thrown at me? I didn't ask for this. I don't approve of this. I’m not ready. 

I don't want this. 

I close my eyes and listen closely to the humming of the birds. they’re singing. I squint my eyes open to find all the birds flying around each other. they look happy. they’re free.

a few days ago I told my friend jokingly how I wanted to be a bird and soar through the sky, but today I realized there was some truth to it. they look so careless. flying not giving a damn about what's going on. maybe because nothing’s going on. I want that, 

I want to have nothing. 

I cry and cry and cry all over again. I reached my peak on this sad Friday at 6 am. I cry and cry and cry more until all I feel is nothing. nothing. 

I close the window and look back at my room, feeling numb. 

numb with a little bit of heartache. 

maybe, just maybe it’ll all be gone tomorrow when I wake up.

deep down I knew it was never gonna be over. 

this is my life now.