if only i was stillborn

It is never whose fault, 

it’s always who to blame

call out and call names

holding the reins and having the final say; with violence, I push away;

my head is killing me, I want them healthy and safe.

Always kept on toes,

fear lunging in my throat,

caution signs everywhere but this time there is no wet floor,

it’s for even a deeper hole.

My home, my harbour, my sanctuary;

waves of dread blooms

fortitude, they say.

I sink into my pillow repressing screams of terror I carry for the future,

mind resides hundred miles away,

mind awake body asleep,

I am mad at the world for making me a person I don’t want to be;

falling apart at the seams, lost at the crossroads

quenching my thoughts with resilience and self-care;

can’t you see how scarred I am?

god damn, i hate how they have given me bad names: treacherous piece of trash, cheap sheep that can easily be led astray;

for the first time in a very long time

I don’t feel guilty

neither filthy nor culpable;

chewing the insides of my cheeks

contemplating the aftermath of how things went; I obliged to the soul and what it seeks, unsatisfied needs;

does anyone know where pain leads?

Because it took me down the hill and made me wish

if only I was stillborn.

I am torn between him and her, his pain and her heaven.

Mom, dad, listen to me

I will be freed from all this noise when I get a profession

I am your daughter, not a pain in your ass

I still remember the day when you held my hands and took me to class,

on my first day, it was all new

I was terrified, but luckily you were there;

and as much as I can remember, it was the last time you were ever present.

You never bought me presents, never bothered to ask how my day went, how’s school or who your friends are;

I am the one taking the blame, acting nonchalant because I have your last name.

It is never whose fault,

it doesn't matter anymore.