The 20-Candle Birthday Cake
Today I will be blowing out my 20-candle birthday cake. Been living here for two centuries, seventy-three thousand days, and endless minutes to count unless we want to practice some maths. But who thought days would pass this fast and we get to celebrate a new number in my life calendar? Today, I open my diary to chapter twenty, day one.
Today, I celebrate myself not only for being twenty, but also for the countless times I let myself down. The countless times I was sad and afraid. The countless moments when my heart leapt with happiness, comfort, safety, and love. This year had a lot to teach me.
It taught me how to handle the words my mouth spits whenever I am angry because no one deserves the knives that my epiglottis helps push. It made me realize that every period in my life has its friends. A few years back, I had pals that I thought I would never be able to live without, but here we are now, everyone is sailing on different boats. Some are just there by heart; we don't need to talk every day, but for some reason, when they are present, I feel like the world is bearable, and I wholeheartedly appreciate it. Some conversations with specific friends are just pure and raw, and you can do nothing about such truths. Some just pass by to make you feel something and share their journey with you. Journeys that may seem very eccentric.
Had my heart on cloud nine, dancing on rainbows, the moment my brother was done with his Ph.D., and surely tanks of tears were present that day. Because that man deserves the whole world for how supportive, loving, and patient he is; both a spectacular brother and a safe zone. It had me feel so safe and appreciated by my elder sister who is both a beautiful sibling and a caring mother. Had me realize that my room without my middle sister just feels off, she is much joy and her smile just lights up the place and I do miss that very much even when she is ten minutes away. It reassured me that I miss my baby brother every time he is out of the house. This boy has got an adventurous soul and I miss hearing him talk about physics.
It reassured me that wherever I go, I will never find someone as kind as my mother. That beautiful person that did and still does so much for us. She holds us in her heart like we are portrayed in there. We just live in her head rent-free at all times. It had me realize that my father sacrifices so much for us. A hard-working father who wishes to see us nothing but the best. He is the most worried when we are sick and someone I would protect at all costs. It had my heart bouncing every time I am around my niece and nephew because these babies just shower me with purity and happiness by simply existing.
If I am being honest, I would protect all of them at all costs. Because I was never verbally good at expressing my feelings but I hope they know they own my heart and always will. But it also had me realizing that sometimes I like being alone.
Hitting twenty made me realize the tiniest things are connected with emotions. Looking at the sky is sometimes my therapy for a bad day and sometimes it is just too hard to grasp the world, so I go for a melatonin pill. It also made me wonder why sometimes am I so hard on myself? Was crying eyes out worth it for that subject? Will it be the end of the world? It most certainly will not, but I still did anyways.
Hitting twenty made me realize so much. I might feel like I am so good at something for a couple of months and then convince myself that I am such a loser in a couple of minutes. This is how my mind works sometimes, and I can do nothing about that but neglect it. I also love flowers and butterflies. I just find them too pretty to be real but that fact brings me peace nonetheless. However, I also discovered many things that I do not like.
I do not like it when someone is being atrociously careless as if this is the new cool. I do not like it when someone belittles me. I am not your toy. I do not like it when I try so hard for something yet I do not get what I deserve, but who likes that anyway? I do not like it when I exert an effort with someone and they do not exchange the same energy with me. And I very much do not like it when someone tries to disrespect my boundaries. If that seems too much for you, you are very much welcome to end your relationship with me. I am not obliged by any means to change my principles for you.
Hitting twenty is really weird. I feel like I have learned a lot in the tiny period I lived. I am more mature now than yesterday. I am conscious of my wellness and health. And I have come to many conclusions. One of them is that some people are periods while you are the only one in your life who is not, and that is a very sad conclusion. I am pretty aware that I might have pals whom I spend fun times with but it is even funnier when you are in longer parts of each other’s lives and your only memory of them is a photo or a dead message on your phone. But I should be glad, for that is only a tiny partition of my friends’ group because some pals are for life. Another conclusion is that sometimes, you just wish to disappear from life or social media at least. Hustling to disappear is sometimes my motto.
At last, here I am today huffing on my birthday cake. Happy birthday to me.
Today, I celebrate myself not only for being twenty, but also for the countless times I let myself down. The countless times I was sad and afraid. The countless moments when my heart leapt with happiness, comfort, safety, and love. This year had a lot to teach me.
It taught me how to handle the words my mouth spits whenever I am angry because no one deserves the knives that my epiglottis helps push. It made me realize that every period in my life has its friends. A few years back, I had pals that I thought I would never be able to live without, but here we are now, everyone is sailing on different boats. Some are just there by heart; we don't need to talk every day, but for some reason, when they are present, I feel like the world is bearable, and I wholeheartedly appreciate it. Some conversations with specific friends are just pure and raw, and you can do nothing about such truths. Some just pass by to make you feel something and share their journey with you. Journeys that may seem very eccentric.
Had my heart on cloud nine, dancing on rainbows, the moment my brother was done with his Ph.D., and surely tanks of tears were present that day. Because that man deserves the whole world for how supportive, loving, and patient he is; both a spectacular brother and a safe zone. It had me feel so safe and appreciated by my elder sister who is both a beautiful sibling and a caring mother. Had me realize that my room without my middle sister just feels off, she is much joy and her smile just lights up the place and I do miss that very much even when she is ten minutes away. It reassured me that I miss my baby brother every time he is out of the house. This boy has got an adventurous soul and I miss hearing him talk about physics.
It reassured me that wherever I go, I will never find someone as kind as my mother. That beautiful person that did and still does so much for us. She holds us in her heart like we are portrayed in there. We just live in her head rent-free at all times. It had me realize that my father sacrifices so much for us. A hard-working father who wishes to see us nothing but the best. He is the most worried when we are sick and someone I would protect at all costs. It had my heart bouncing every time I am around my niece and nephew because these babies just shower me with purity and happiness by simply existing.
If I am being honest, I would protect all of them at all costs. Because I was never verbally good at expressing my feelings but I hope they know they own my heart and always will. But it also had me realizing that sometimes I like being alone.
Hitting twenty made me realize the tiniest things are connected with emotions. Looking at the sky is sometimes my therapy for a bad day and sometimes it is just too hard to grasp the world, so I go for a melatonin pill. It also made me wonder why sometimes am I so hard on myself? Was crying eyes out worth it for that subject? Will it be the end of the world? It most certainly will not, but I still did anyways.
Hitting twenty made me realize so much. I might feel like I am so good at something for a couple of months and then convince myself that I am such a loser in a couple of minutes. This is how my mind works sometimes, and I can do nothing about that but neglect it. I also love flowers and butterflies. I just find them too pretty to be real but that fact brings me peace nonetheless. However, I also discovered many things that I do not like.
I do not like it when someone is being atrociously careless as if this is the new cool. I do not like it when someone belittles me. I am not your toy. I do not like it when I try so hard for something yet I do not get what I deserve, but who likes that anyway? I do not like it when I exert an effort with someone and they do not exchange the same energy with me. And I very much do not like it when someone tries to disrespect my boundaries. If that seems too much for you, you are very much welcome to end your relationship with me. I am not obliged by any means to change my principles for you.
Hitting twenty is really weird. I feel like I have learned a lot in the tiny period I lived. I am more mature now than yesterday. I am conscious of my wellness and health. And I have come to many conclusions. One of them is that some people are periods while you are the only one in your life who is not, and that is a very sad conclusion. I am pretty aware that I might have pals whom I spend fun times with but it is even funnier when you are in longer parts of each other’s lives and your only memory of them is a photo or a dead message on your phone. But I should be glad, for that is only a tiny partition of my friends’ group because some pals are for life. Another conclusion is that sometimes, you just wish to disappear from life or social media at least. Hustling to disappear is sometimes my motto.
At last, here I am today huffing on my birthday cake. Happy birthday to me.