chivalry & modern romance
As a gender-equality advocate, one thing I could never get on terms with was "chivalry."
Why must a guy carry my chair? Why should I pass through the door first? What’s up with the whole "ladies first" propaganda?
These questions always raced through my mind, especially the last one. The only explanation I could come up with was that these ideologies of chivalry were embedded in our societies early on, when patriarchy was more mainstreamed, to guilt-trip females by making them think that males are doing “nice” things for them, are being "gentlemen," while in reality they're practising the misogynistic belief that females are less strong, more helpless; they're practising the damsel in distress scenario.
Or at least that's what I used to believe...
If you've met me a couple of months ago, you'd find me hella suspicious of any dude who acts as a "gentleman." It's not like I believed that he thought of me as helpless or weak but, more like, he was blindly following traditions that are belittling of females without noticing that he's doing so. It didn't mean that he's a bad person per se, but it didn’t mean that he's a good person either, you know? He doesn't mean to disrespect females but he was still doing so, absentmindedly.
The only time I would’ve been okay with a guy practising chivalry with me was when I genuinely needed the help. If I'm sick and cannot carry my own chair, if I'm carrying a lot of heavy stuff and so he lets me pass through the door first, to reach wherever I'm going faster, or even help me with carrying said heavy stuff, these kinds of situation.
But, like I said, with time, my view might've changed a bit... just a little bit.
I might be single, but those around me aren't, and that made me consider the following; what if a guy has a legit reason as to why he's practising mainstream chivalry that's related to the gal he likes? He's not doing that because "she's a girl," nor because "that's what men do," he's doing these stuff because he loves her. He uses chivalrous actions as small day-to-day gestures to show her that he cares for her and loves her.
Isn't that cute?
It is. And I can confidently say that because whenever I saw my friends' love interest doing stuff as small as carrying their bag for them or getting them a chair for them to sit on I always thought that it was cute, even back then when I thought that chivalry is misogynistic, which might not make sense but apparently, somehow, it did to me back then.
Ever since I started uni, my friends, both from uni and from school, used to tell me that I'm being too uptight about gender-stereotypes, that I need to take these gestures as something nice and not dig into the past of the traditions to invalidate the good intentions behind them, and though I still view reasonless chivalry and gentlemanliness as misogynistic, but maybe, just maybe, I can understand it when it comes to lovers and friends.
Maybe it's not chivalry that's dead, it's the good intentions behind it that are now mostly neglected.
Why must a guy carry my chair? Why should I pass through the door first? What’s up with the whole "ladies first" propaganda?
These questions always raced through my mind, especially the last one. The only explanation I could come up with was that these ideologies of chivalry were embedded in our societies early on, when patriarchy was more mainstreamed, to guilt-trip females by making them think that males are doing “nice” things for them, are being "gentlemen," while in reality they're practising the misogynistic belief that females are less strong, more helpless; they're practising the damsel in distress scenario.
Or at least that's what I used to believe...
If you've met me a couple of months ago, you'd find me hella suspicious of any dude who acts as a "gentleman." It's not like I believed that he thought of me as helpless or weak but, more like, he was blindly following traditions that are belittling of females without noticing that he's doing so. It didn't mean that he's a bad person per se, but it didn’t mean that he's a good person either, you know? He doesn't mean to disrespect females but he was still doing so, absentmindedly.
The only time I would’ve been okay with a guy practising chivalry with me was when I genuinely needed the help. If I'm sick and cannot carry my own chair, if I'm carrying a lot of heavy stuff and so he lets me pass through the door first, to reach wherever I'm going faster, or even help me with carrying said heavy stuff, these kinds of situation.
But, like I said, with time, my view might've changed a bit... just a little bit.
I might be single, but those around me aren't, and that made me consider the following; what if a guy has a legit reason as to why he's practising mainstream chivalry that's related to the gal he likes? He's not doing that because "she's a girl," nor because "that's what men do," he's doing these stuff because he loves her. He uses chivalrous actions as small day-to-day gestures to show her that he cares for her and loves her.
Isn't that cute?
It is. And I can confidently say that because whenever I saw my friends' love interest doing stuff as small as carrying their bag for them or getting them a chair for them to sit on I always thought that it was cute, even back then when I thought that chivalry is misogynistic, which might not make sense but apparently, somehow, it did to me back then.
Ever since I started uni, my friends, both from uni and from school, used to tell me that I'm being too uptight about gender-stereotypes, that I need to take these gestures as something nice and not dig into the past of the traditions to invalidate the good intentions behind them, and though I still view reasonless chivalry and gentlemanliness as misogynistic, but maybe, just maybe, I can understand it when it comes to lovers and friends.
Maybe it's not chivalry that's dead, it's the good intentions behind it that are now mostly neglected.