f e e l i n g s . . .

" the capacity to respond emotionally especially with the higher emotions. "

Lately, I've been thinking about the meaning of feelings. They're nothing more than some hormones that our body produces in certain occasions based on what we're taught to supposedly feel. 

How did we relate smiles to happiness or happiness to smiles? Tears to sadness or sadness to tears? Did we feel happiness then learn to react to it by smiling or did we start crying then learn that this means sadness? Is this another case of the chicken and the egg?

I don't know.

But, what I also do not know is whether feelings are a strength or a vulnerability. 

All I know is that, growing up, I've always viewed them as a vulnerability. Maybe this has to do with my hatred for the "negative" stereotype of females as emotional and unfit in some job positions because of it, or maybe it's because my dad raised me as a female and a male and taught me that crying and negative emotions are for the "weak," or it could be my Aquarius stellium and Aquarius dominant personality with both my Moon and Venus placements  being Aquarius, or it could just be who I am. I don't know that either.

However, I've always encouraged people to feel their feelings and accept them wholeheartedly regardless of whether they're negative or positive. I never once told someone to suppress their feelings or hide them so, I now question my stance regarding feelings. 

Up to this point in life, I still do not feel my feelings fully, and I can easily switch them off or act like they're not there, but sometimes negative feelings switch off on their own, maybe it's a defence mechanism because I'm too weak to handle them or maybe I'm too strong to be saddened by some stuff. 

My feelings and I have a weird relationship, really. Like I'm glad I don't feel them sometimes but when it's for too long I start panicking and wanting to feel them but if I do I start regretting wishing to feel them and hoping for them to just go away. 

It's like I know that what I went through should make me cry, but I don't cry so I feel that something is wrong so I start wanting to cry but if I do cry I feel weak and unworthy in my own perspective. 

I don't know if that's common, or if it is a good thing, or if it is a bad thing, or if it is a thing at all, but if it is something, is it good? Bad? Neutral?

What really are "feelings" and do we even want or need them?