bottling it all inside.

Bottling it all all inside till you’re physically in pain;
from stomach pains to twitching eyes, from escalating heartbeats to gritting your teeth till they start to break.
Being tired, being drained.

You’re feeling alone when you’re around family and friends, a lot to talk to but no one to listen or understand.
They keep saying the same things, they’re trying to help, but it just feels worse so you have to act.

Dress up.
Wear your nicest outfits, bright colours, don’t show that you’re hurting, don’t show that everything is falling apart.
Don’t burden them with your worries, don’t get too attached.
Push them away.

I’d rather be the bad guy who hurt them than get hurt again.
It’s not like they never hurt you, though.
Maybe not all of them, but some of them.
Maybe you’re holding grudges from past mistakes.
Maybe these mistakes were talked out but never solved.
I don’t know.

You just feel hurt by the tiniest of things, any change in behaviour equates betrayal.
Hurt.
“Were they ever truly my friend or did they just find solace in my company?”
Because I don’t find solace in my own company anymore.

I’ve changed.
I can tell that I’ve changed, but I don’t know how to go back.
I don’t like it here, I don’t like who I am, and I can’t find anyone to blame but myself.

But we’ve gotta bottle it all up.
We’ve gotta fake it.
Fake it long enough that we start to believe it’s real.

We start feeling less sad and more angry.
Hatred.
Hatred towards the world, hatred towards those around us.
Maybe they don’t know how to help, or maybe they just don’t care.
That’s why we bottle it all up....
because no one will help us, not even ourselves.