“a message to my therapist; I cannot feel anymore”

I only had a couple moments down, but it felt like I was holding hands with my self made obstacles, and every time I tried to surf them, the waves only got darker. I couldn’t tame my love for darkness. You know, it always feels like I am losing something, and I can’t even point out whatever I am losing. Maybe it’s because I am losing my eyesight? I can’t really fuck around with my depression, I tried texting that famous ‘we need to talk’ text but it always ended up with me apologizing ‘how can I ever live without you?’. I want to sit down with my reflection, wonder when did it all go wrong and try to fix it, but why am I always scared of looking in the mirror? I always wanted to be one of them, who holds on a little bit tighter on the holy book, who prays a little bit longer in the mosque but I feel ashamed of whatever deadly worms I planted in the body made by the greatest creator of them all. Sometimes, I let myself drown, in the rising rose waters, finding comfort in this moment of death, finding solace in the idea of ‘ending’.

I guess I don’t know how to end this because whatever is it in me has not ended yet.