Aim Big They Say

I was spending some quality time with my family on the roof while allowing the heavenly breeze of the starry night to awake every cell inside me. I left my seat and made my way to my favourite spot. Gazing at the view from my rooftop, everything seemed diminutive and tranquil. Since the start of quarantine, this was the spot where I took most of the hardest yet life-changing decisions of my sixteen years of living. 

A middle-aged woman was sitting in the balcony in the building opposite to me. She was sitting all alone yet she constantly kept looking on both of her sides as if she's waiting for someone to come, someone to share the coldness of that night with. I could see a television opened in her room yet nobody was in there watching. 

I never saw her family before, they have always been one of life's biggest mysteries. No one ever knew them, we only heard of them. From what we heard, her children have always been abroad and barely came to visit. For more than eight years, she always sat in the same spot in her balcony with the same outfit at the same time. She was lonely yet looked like she made friends with loneliness and routine. 

What distracted my train of thoughts about this woman and brought me back to reality was my sister's voice as she was debating whether or not to apply for postgrad to one of the top universities. I was raised in a family that taught me to aim big, to always seek knowledge, to go after certificates and to chase the top universities, for that's what they thought of about the purpose of life, or at least how they pictured a life lived to the fullest. 

From a young age, I learned that everyone leaves and that's the nature of life. I saw my father leaving for better job opportunities to sustain my family needs. I saw my Aunt leaving everything behind her and travel abroad for good. I grew up in a large family house while seeing my mother supporting my older siblings to travel abroad for university for a better future. I grew up seeing my twin brother labouring the days and nights in order to follow my family's steps. I grew up in a family that's separated across twelve nations, a family that I barely see, a family that's only connected by blood. I grew up hearing my family telling me to aim big.

 I once grew up in a big family house that is now full of abandoned rooms and empty corners.

While I saw them all leaving for good, I also saw my Aunt putting her life on the edge and chasing after a good life yet she never did something for her pleasure. I saw my sister crying her eyes out at night. I saw my cousins labouring the nights just to hand in an assignment. I saw them all leaving their lives and their friends behind and running after certificates and temporary things. I saw my mum aching from inside while she gave my siblings their last goodbye kiss before they leave. I saw a family relative of mine complaining about buying a mansion that his children refuse to live in with him. I saw a family member of mine clinging on to every Muslim community she finds because that's the only thing that fills her with a feeling of home and comfort. I saw them all skipping family gatherings because of the work standards they put for themselves. I saw them all being so hard on themselves. And I saw some living life as the middle-aged woman that lives in front of me. I never spoke of this but it sat in the back of my mind weighing down my tongue.

I refuse to aim big for I am aiming for happiness. I want to live fiercely and dive through the genuine feelings of love and happiness. I want to labour the nights, not because of deadlines but because I enjoy what I am doing. I want to live with passion and compassion. I want to be excited about small things in life. I want to be excited about making a warm cup of tea while sitting at 5 AM with a person who's close to my heart when the world seems so silent and beautiful. I want to be excited about going into a cosy bed after a long day. 

I want to fall in love unexpectedly and go watch sunsets with the people who have always been there for me. I want to see colours in the sky that usually don't belong. I want to take long walks by the beach with my siblings while the cold wind gently touches our bear skin. I want to browse the small bookstores and have coffee in an unknown alley with a person who I never met before as they tell me what kept them awake last night. I want to feel sympathy. 

I want to grab an extra blanket and sit on my balcony at 6 AM with my hands and feet getting used to the cold while my mind is free to explore the scariest parts of it. I want to get married because marriage is hard and takes time. I want to be able to create something so beautiful out of it. I want to blend in two families to let them live in harmony, I want to raise kids. I want to get married to a person that's worth every second of life's ups and downs. 

I want to visit my grandparents on Sundays and talk with them about fate and destiny. I want to feel the warmth of "Teta Farida" and the love of "Gedo Ali". I want to chase happiness not certificates. I don't want to skip life chapters, I want to go through the bad chapters and the good chapters. I want to go with my family to the nearest hill while wearing a big coat and a scarf and just watch the sunrise. I want to buy a journal and have it with me everywhere I go. I want to write about my most and least favourite moments and ideas. I want to write about the people I meet and walk by every day. I want to write in it my grocery and bucket list. I want to be able to give my parents all the good things they gave to me. I want to romanticise the world.

The warm voice of my mother telling me to get back inside the house interrupted my thoughts. However I made up my mind, I aim for happiness and nothing else.