a flashback
1, 2, 3, lights off, it's 3 AM, I'm laying in my bed and I cannot seem to be able to get up, it's getting darker and I can hear tones of music playing in the playground, I put my eyes and lead my ears to the corner of that music and it's not someone that I recognise standing there, my head felt quite heavy, memories are crashing hard and accidents are occurring, a fire of flashbacks is burst inside, it's like I got an overnight amnesia, I cannot seem to remember who that is ,and all of a sudden, I see a little girl playing beside my music box, that girl was me, the one that I miss.
Aligning a load of memories, I'm feeling a shotgun to me head.
I'm now aware at 3:30 AM that my body is pressed hard in my bed but my thoughts are shadowing on my ceiling, I peek another look at that girl that was the utmost pure version of me, I saw her the happiest, the face expressions told different stories, a smile that I miss and a joyful soul that is buried now.
4, 5, 6, marionettes are held by her little hands, she's playing with them and imitating childish voices, cartoonish ones in which she enjoyed alone, that girl enjoyed being a loner.
For once in a lifetime, I realized that that being a loner wasn't a depressive thing to do and to me it wasn't a "go-to,” that likeness I had on my own company had been embroidered within me since a young age.
7, 8, 9, I take a glimpse at the mirror beside me to see the reflection of that little girl playing, this time it was me crying, my toy broke.
At that certain moment, I could feel nothing but waterfalls of tears falling off , at that certain moment, I was able to get off my bed, I ran as fast as I could, it's like I got insulin shots and I couldn't feel my feet.
My breaths became heftier as I ran, I wanted to comfort her, to tell her that everything will be fine!
Once I was there, I stood with my tears and my wet t-shirt in-front of her.
She smiled at me and I smiled at her.
I got down on my knees, she came closer to me and whispered to my ears,
“I don't know why are you crying but I see beauty in your teary eyes, they narrate stories of depths that are so divine.
You know I'm very sad that my toy broke but I made a promise that I'll always take care of it and so will you take care of all memories you lived with your beloved, you're the strongest out there no matter what happens.”
I couldn't pent up my tears any longer, the scenery of me holding my beloved friend's hands and telling her the same exact words was now played on the dark wall of my bedroom, I told her that because she had a loss, she lost someone that she truly loved.
The past version of me came to deliver a message and little did she know, that toy she broke was a carousel, it goes around and comes around, just like life, what you do in it, you get paid for it and it was my time to get that message delivered to the adult-me.
I wanted my old-little version to lead the adult-me, I wanted to comfort myself that everything will be fine.
From a long time, my mind was refilled with good memories, and from a long while that music box played a happy song, my heartbeats started dancing to the vintage vibes of that happy song.
Now, that girl waved a goodbye, the blurry shadow of her was now gone.
10... everything rushes back into place, my footsteps are moving backwards and I'm in my bed, it felt like falling from a ten-flat building, lights are off and my walls are now into their white colour.
I counted again from 1 to 10, but only time passed, I counted in vain.
Was it all a dream?
Again from 1 to 10, I started counting.
Abruptly, looking outside to see the sky soaked with shades of blue, it wasn't sullen to my eyes today as I'm used to.
Each cloud plays a flashback to a good memory, to the old good days and never have I ever felt more relaxed.
That war inside me was over, white flags have risen and boats of anger are no longer foraying my delicate soul.
I've been always looking at life from a negative perspective, rarely have I ever thought of peace and tranquility in it.
That flashback changed a lot, changed the dull person I was getting to be.
Today, I decided to bite the bullet of going out and actually leaving my bedroom.
I'm used to existing between 4 walls and that very particular day I had the courage to step out.
I've been suffering from blackouts, sunk in electric shocks by my mental attacks and no one knows a thing.
I've made a promise to myself to try to be a happy person but every time I try, I feel like a failure, others keep shedding lights on me being so numb with me feelings and bold with my expressions except for the little version of me and my mirror.
2 friends of mine who didn't go for a grotesque betrayal as others did.
That very day, I was undoubtedly stroked out by lots of lessons that I was never taught before.
"As much as life knocks you down, there's always light at the end of the tunnel, you might die of boredom holding the torch but you'll always be your own guidance, your persistence may die a hundred times trudging in your path but your sanity never will as long as you don't doubt it.
You're your own light, your own master, your own pain and your main disaster nevertheless you're always sane enough to take a wise decision when it comes to thy self.”
Now, in a reversed countdown from 10-1, my eyes are closed and I'm asleep again.
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1.
Lights off.