City Lights

When I get into a car, I look out the window and observe. I observe all the faces walking by, the joy, the sorrow, the fury, the bliss, and the ambitious. I see the lovers walking hand in hand and the other ones fighting. Some people cursing in the streets and others eating ice cream on the sidewalk with all the happiness in the world. At some point you wonder, out of all these faces, who am I? Some days I try to smile too much because I want to fit in with the happy faces I see, I don't want someone to look at me and put me in the list of grumpy faces they've seen that day. Some other days I get too caught up in my life and I forget to look out the window, and I don't put on any acts. When I first got into a relationship, the thought that haunted my mind was trying to figure out if I'm the cute, sweet girlfriend, or am I the fierce bold woman? Too often I find myself trying to fit into one category, one person, one trait, and no matter what I list myself in I'm never satisfied. However, at some point you learn that you aren't just one thing. You are multiple features and feelings, you are a thousand words mashed up into one song that produces the art that you are. You'll never be one thing. You can be a beautiful mess. You can be anything you want to be. There is no rule book and no mix and match personalities. It keeps haunting me, the idea that I don't know who I am because I can't decide on a single trait that fits me, but I've still to learn to accept the fierceness in me, the boldness mixed with softness and fragility, I've still to learn to accept my feelings as they are, raw and authentic and true, and I've still to learn to accept I am many things, many feelings, and so are you. Some days I'll be cheerful, and without any act people who see me will think "Oh, she's a happy face", some other days I'll just be waiting for the day to be over, to go to my bed and forget the day's events. I won't be a happy face. And that's okay; to fall into multiple categories is okay. I hope as one day I learn to accept this, to accept and be myself unapologetically, so will you.