letters to the lost, part1

Dearest,

I am not writing this to apologize for all the wrong deeds I did. I am not writing this to make me feel better about all the pain I am feeling because I know for sure that it takes more than a paper and a pen to make me feel happy. I, also, am not writing this to make people sympathize with me and change their minds about how they view my life, for all I learnt in this life that people will project their fears on you until the story becomes one and change becomes a privilege. I am writing this to acknowledge all the things I lost. My mom brought me to this world on 19th of August, the next day she whispered how much she loved me and handled me gracefully to my father and for once his eyes were full of love. 3 years later I saw myself in my mom’s eyes, her eyes had wrinkles from happiness and oh how I wish I could bring that back. 22 years later I was on stage holding my very first certificate screaming ‘mom I made it’ only then the spotlights were blinding me I couldn’t see her eyes. I am writing this letter to acknowledge the things I lost; my mom. If you happen to ever read this mom I want you to know that now I am 30 years and I have a beautiful daughter called Khadija, I am married to a handsome man. He keeps me safe I swear. I remember how much you wanted to hold her,  I swear I still visit every month. Soon I will be there next to you and it will be the first time ever to sleep next to you since I was kid, oh mom how much I miss your arms around me holding me in keeping me safe. Even if death means being held by you I would do it in a heartbeat. Soon I will be 70 years old I will make sure to teach Dija everything you did teach me. I love you, mom. Soon I will see you, soon enough I will hear your voice again. Soon I will hold your hand again. But dear lord, would you forgive my sins and let me visit heaven for a sniff of her perfume?

17/02/2019