am i okay?
i laugh. i laugh lightly at the beginning but as seconds pass, my laughter becomes louder and louder until it’s echoing throughout his entire art studio. i didn’t notice the tears rolling down my cheeks until he stood up from his chair and kneeled down on his knees in front of me. i continue laughing.
“are we ever okay?” i hysterically laugh and he tilts his head. he’s worried. he’s always worried. i’m surprised he’s worried. i always worry the people i love until they got used to it. whenever i say i’m not okay, they don’t worry anymore. they give me a neutral expression, and i don’t blame them. i haven’t been okay for so long that they got sick of it. that’s why i learnt to never tell the people i love that i’m not okay anymore. they’ll get sick of me. they won’t hear me anymore and they would silently just wish i would shut up. now what i don't get though, is why he’s still worrying.
“Rain.” he softly calls my name, waiting for me to talk. to explain what i’m bottling inside.
it’s ironic, isn’t it? that my name is Rain and all i ever do is cry. i hate b*tches who cry all the time, and now i’m one.
“i haven’t been okay for a long time. hell, i don't even remember the last time i was fine. i feel like all i ever did for the past year was just trying to scrape by, trying to take in the pain and live with it, trying to deal, but then comes a time when i sit down by myself and think, ‘wow i’ve been trying to deal for a long time,’ and then just, burst. my heart hurts. my anxiety is getting worse. i cry all the time. every day i feel like nothing is possibly gonna be worse until it does. i don't want to just try to deal, i want to live and feel. i want to feel things other than hurt and pain. i don’t want to be tired all the time. i just need a break. i just need life to throw me something that can give me hope. anything that will make me want to see what tomorrow brings. anything.”
i finally let out, and i don’t know what i was expecting from him but it was definitely not a hug.
he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly and burying his head into my neck as one of his hands was caressing my hair. i immediately knew that this is his way of telling me that everything is going to be okay.
i know that nothing ever is gonna be okay, not soon anyway, but i didn't tell him that. i let him hug me and i let myself melt into his embrace for a few minutes.
yes, everything is not gonna be okay but at least he’s here with me.
and then i realised something,
not all of us have someone like him.