a twelve months journey.
"I'm in love with you." were the words that made my January turn into a fairytale. The first month of the year and the beginning of a new relationship that seemed like a dream. January included nothing but glamorous late night adventures and laughter echoing through the rooftops. We were two reckless birds who were too in love to give a damn about the world around us.
"Stop being so fucking clingy goddammit!" were the first ever cruel words that got out of his plump lips, leaving me staring at the door he just slammed in shock on a cold February night. We were slowly falling apart, I could feel it. He started to become more distant, he said I was becoming too emotionally attached and he didn't like it. I wish he knew the reason why.
"I- it's just not gonna work, it's not. No no no don't cry don't-" were the words used to break up with me, followed by a tight hug from him as we both sobbed in each other's embrace before kissing for one last time to savour the taste of us moulded by the salty tears. It happened so fast that I soon found myself crying alone in the kitchen floor, looking over at the calendar with March written across it. I kept sitting in the dark for hours, waiting for him to come back so I could explain.
"You have to dress up nicely, it's the first time you're hanging out with us in a month!" were the words my best-friend used as she was going through the selection of dresses in the wardrobe. I looked over at the word April displayed on my phone, hoping it could go back to January. Whenever I asked my friends about how he was doing they change the subject. A few hours passed and we were at the restaurant talking and I was actually enjoying my time, that was until I felt a throbbing pain at the back of my head at the same time the boy who stole my heart came through the door with a girl wrapped around his arm. My heart completely shattered and he noticed when our eyes met. Just as he was about to come over, I ran outside with my terrible headache. I should've waited.
"Hope you enjoy the flight." were the words the flight attendant said as she helped me with my suitcase. I was feeling better than I was a month ago, emotionally that is. I decided to go on vacation for a few days by myself in Hawaii and May just felt like the right month to do so. I was still thinking about him, but the heartaches were not as strong as they used to be and that was a terrific sign.
"Happy birthday my little pumpkin!" were the words my father muttered right as I opened the door to my apartment and the thought of him travelling to surprise me flooded my heart with happiness. We blew the candles and that was when a heart-melting puppy jumped on me from inside the box my dad was holding. I named him June.
"Are you okay? You're so pale." were the words nearly everyone used once they saw me. Some said I lost so much weight, others said I became as white as a ghost. They were concerned they said, yet all I felt was the violent headache that kept haunting me. I hated July because it made everyone notice.
"I think Summer has a crush on June." were the words the cute boy in my literature class said on pet day at college. We took our dogs to the park many times after that as they seemed to like each other and honestly, so did we. I began to be happier, praying that August could be my new January.
"Why are you trying to change me so much?" were the words that started the end of my second relationship this year. He was right though. I couldn't help but compare him to my first love in every way possible. That's when I thought: maybe I didn't move on after all. Please God, make September feels less like March.
"He has been living his life." were the words my friend mumbled at the frat party, making me look behind me just for my heart to get squeezed more as I witnessed him kissing his new girlfriend passionately. I made my way out of there immediately, and I think when he saw my tears he wanted to come after me but I'm pretty sure that was my imagination too. October nights can make you feel desperate like that.
"What happened? Are you okay? Why are you here this late?" were the words that tumbled out of his mouth when he found me standing by his house at 3 am. I kept staring into his hazel eyes as I tried to form the words. However, all I did was cry. He looked confused but took me in his embrace anyway. Maybe it was the sudden scent of home or the many tears that made my headache unbearable, I felt the urge to tell him everything on this November night. I opened my mouth to speak when I couldn't feel my legs while the world around me swirled engulfing me into the darkness.
"Why didn't you tell me? Why did you keep this from me? I loved you. I still love you." were the words I woke up to in a hospital bed, looking by my side to find him holding my hand with evident bloodshot eyes, an evidence that he was crying. He knew. They told him before I could. I never had the courage to, how could you have the courage to tell the person you love that you're dying? I just wanted to spend every second with him when I found out that I had brain cancer, but for him, it looked like I was an obsessive crazy girlfriend. I explained everything, making him promise that he won't leave me alone. I was too scared to fight this battle alone, but now I have a purpose. If I start to fight cancer this December, I'm gonna be here for next January.
"Stop being so fucking clingy goddammit!" were the first ever cruel words that got out of his plump lips, leaving me staring at the door he just slammed in shock on a cold February night. We were slowly falling apart, I could feel it. He started to become more distant, he said I was becoming too emotionally attached and he didn't like it. I wish he knew the reason why.
"I- it's just not gonna work, it's not. No no no don't cry don't-" were the words used to break up with me, followed by a tight hug from him as we both sobbed in each other's embrace before kissing for one last time to savour the taste of us moulded by the salty tears. It happened so fast that I soon found myself crying alone in the kitchen floor, looking over at the calendar with March written across it. I kept sitting in the dark for hours, waiting for him to come back so I could explain.
"You have to dress up nicely, it's the first time you're hanging out with us in a month!" were the words my best-friend used as she was going through the selection of dresses in the wardrobe. I looked over at the word April displayed on my phone, hoping it could go back to January. Whenever I asked my friends about how he was doing they change the subject. A few hours passed and we were at the restaurant talking and I was actually enjoying my time, that was until I felt a throbbing pain at the back of my head at the same time the boy who stole my heart came through the door with a girl wrapped around his arm. My heart completely shattered and he noticed when our eyes met. Just as he was about to come over, I ran outside with my terrible headache. I should've waited.
"Hope you enjoy the flight." were the words the flight attendant said as she helped me with my suitcase. I was feeling better than I was a month ago, emotionally that is. I decided to go on vacation for a few days by myself in Hawaii and May just felt like the right month to do so. I was still thinking about him, but the heartaches were not as strong as they used to be and that was a terrific sign.
"Happy birthday my little pumpkin!" were the words my father muttered right as I opened the door to my apartment and the thought of him travelling to surprise me flooded my heart with happiness. We blew the candles and that was when a heart-melting puppy jumped on me from inside the box my dad was holding. I named him June.
"Are you okay? You're so pale." were the words nearly everyone used once they saw me. Some said I lost so much weight, others said I became as white as a ghost. They were concerned they said, yet all I felt was the violent headache that kept haunting me. I hated July because it made everyone notice.
"I think Summer has a crush on June." were the words the cute boy in my literature class said on pet day at college. We took our dogs to the park many times after that as they seemed to like each other and honestly, so did we. I began to be happier, praying that August could be my new January.
"Why are you trying to change me so much?" were the words that started the end of my second relationship this year. He was right though. I couldn't help but compare him to my first love in every way possible. That's when I thought: maybe I didn't move on after all. Please God, make September feels less like March.
"He has been living his life." were the words my friend mumbled at the frat party, making me look behind me just for my heart to get squeezed more as I witnessed him kissing his new girlfriend passionately. I made my way out of there immediately, and I think when he saw my tears he wanted to come after me but I'm pretty sure that was my imagination too. October nights can make you feel desperate like that.
"What happened? Are you okay? Why are you here this late?" were the words that tumbled out of his mouth when he found me standing by his house at 3 am. I kept staring into his hazel eyes as I tried to form the words. However, all I did was cry. He looked confused but took me in his embrace anyway. Maybe it was the sudden scent of home or the many tears that made my headache unbearable, I felt the urge to tell him everything on this November night. I opened my mouth to speak when I couldn't feel my legs while the world around me swirled engulfing me into the darkness.
"Why didn't you tell me? Why did you keep this from me? I loved you. I still love you." were the words I woke up to in a hospital bed, looking by my side to find him holding my hand with evident bloodshot eyes, an evidence that he was crying. He knew. They told him before I could. I never had the courage to, how could you have the courage to tell the person you love that you're dying? I just wanted to spend every second with him when I found out that I had brain cancer, but for him, it looked like I was an obsessive crazy girlfriend. I explained everything, making him promise that he won't leave me alone. I was too scared to fight this battle alone, but now I have a purpose. If I start to fight cancer this December, I'm gonna be here for next January.
-
"Hey Hope, fight in there for me yeah?" were the words Iris whispered in my ear as I was about to get into the surgery room.
"Please be here for our January." He murmured before kissing me tenderly. "I love you."
"I love you." I smiled "If it's meant to be it'll be."