On Hold

I was always stuck in a bubble. A bubble of hope and optimism. This bubble was actually quite the opposite of hope, but it was endurable. It was enough, just enough for me to survive. It was better than the real world anyway. It was never fragile like all bubbles, not easily popped,  and it never reached the ground. It always hovered high in the air. It held my hopes and dreams quite well, and everything I ever cared about. I was born in this bubble and I thought I was gonna die in it too, without it ever being shaken. I grew up and was raised there. In this bubble, I felt joyful and sad just like any other being, but my sadness only revolved around me and my personal life. My sadness was me and my own problems, always revolving around the things which were happening in my bubble. It never reached the point where it involved neglecting this bubble.

I always believed I'd just finish my education, pursuit my career, get married or whatever and have a family like any ordinary person with an ordinary life, but whether my life would be ordinary or extraordinary, it would not be affected by out-of-hand obstacles, it would just be my fate and my own choices that made me who I am and formed my life in whatever shape it takes depending on my own destiny. It would not be affected by climate change. I would still get married, for what could stop me? Would global warming really reach the point where it would threaten all lives and shatter everyone else's bubbles? This bubble gave me the strength to overcome things on my own, because I was in control of it, and I believed that. Anything outside the bubble was outside of my control. Moreover, by distancing myself from larger than life problems which I cannot control, I would make it in a world where everything's bright and the darkness - which would sometimes cover my eyes - would be surpassed by my own inner light that is able to illuminate any source of dimness.

Though in a world where racism, classism, sexism, gender inequality, poverty, sexual abuse, homophobia, animal cruelty, climate change, pandemics and viruses exist, that bubble, that cave I was in, became too brittle and fragile. With coronavirus, I feel like nothing in the world would be stable anymore, nothing would let me float peacefully in my bubble.

The world is a big place, and it's too much flawed. I thought by making it a bit smaller, it would always stay within the palm of my hands. I thought by isolating myself with my tiny and limited perception of life from life itself, I would always be safe in my bubble which would protect me from the world but still let me watch it. I thought by staying away from news and formidable problems, I would be able to live with some peace. But suddenly those formidable problems punched me in the face so hard that I was knocked out of my own bubble, and I was left to fall, waiting patiently for my bubble to come and catch me, so we would bond again, and no pandemics would put my life on hold.